10. The Lance Armstrong Channel

There are TV channels for everything when you subscribe to Time Warner cable, including what appears to be the Lance Armstrong Channel. Even in World Cup years July is pretty thin on sport over here. OK, there’s Nathan’s hotdog eating contest, but that is only one day, and, well, yes, there’s the homerun slugfest, part of baseball’s All Stars weekend, but in the last few years there has been growing American interest in the Tour. “The Tour” is of course world professional cycling’s premier event. Its main drawback in terms of interest in the US of A is that it is always held in France. The main reason it has raised its profile ever since 1999, is that an American has won it “most every year” since then. Lance Armstrong has become indeed the “winningest” rider in the history of the Tour, despite, so you will hear over here, Frenchy French attempts to get him banned for alleged drug use. After seven wins he retired, came back again, without winning, and is now riding as leader of the Radio Shack team, who may win the Team Prize. And if there is anything Americans love more than an American winner it is an American winningest winner ... on a comeback ... against foreigners wanting to knock him off his perch, or, in this case, his bike.

“Soccer” is not suited to American television, which thrives on commercial breaks every ten minutes or less thus allowing viewers to recharge their coffee cups, pizza plates and their concentration. It does not have timeouts, breaks in play, but pretty much constant action, unless it is a match like the World Cup Final , which is far too important for players to try to win in case, by doing so, they lose. But that’s an issue for another day. Cycle racing on roads on the other hand takes a long time, nearly as long as cricket, proper cricket anyway, maybe five, six hours a day over three weeks. For the average viewer even if there doesn’t seem to be much happening for long parts of the race, there is beautiful countryside to admire, mountains, rivers, national parks, chateaux, pretty villages and the vestiges of a thousand or two years of History for cameras to linger lovingly over, as the pack winds its way through France, sometimes even popping over the frontier to Belgium, Italy, Spain, even Ireland. If you don’t have a passport, as most Americans don’t, what better way to see Europe than on a 46-inch HD plasma screen TV? Other than going to Las Vegas, of course. So I’m told.

For English viewers it is a pleasure to see the main commentators on the Lance Armstrong channel are the incomparable Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen (former pro cyclists). Liggett does his best with the French names, but one thing jars: his awful, Anglified pronunciation of the key technical term my-or jhorn, when he might as well just say the leader's yellow jersey, sorry Phil [1]. Paul Sherwen usually opts for translation, but ‘escapade’ is not quite the same as ‘échappée’, more usually called ‘escape’ by British cycling fans. Perhaps Paul was trying to be witty, but irony, I find, does not work over here. Paul's Spanish, by the way, is pretty fluent.

I ought to make it clear the Versus channel is not actually called the Lance Armstrong channel – it just seems like it. All the commentators today seem ostentatiously to be wearing Lance Armstrong yellow rubber wristbands for his Nike-sponsored cancer foundation [2]. Versus shows lots of commercial breaks for Jeeps and Cadillacs, Burger King, Freecreditscore.com, followed by David I. Pankin Debt Lawyer (for whom the best way out of debt is via bankruptcy), Geico Insurance (the most entertaining [3]) and loads of adverts featuring Lance, including him biking through mountain scenery in Nike sports gear, and another promoting his team’s sponsor Radio Shack, even promoting beer, Ultra lite. Lance also gets many mentions from the commentators (“The old man of the Tour is still in the bunch of elite riders.”). He often gives a live interview immediately he gets off the bike at the stage finish.

The commentators make a big thing about coverage being commercial free for the last half-hour of the stage. We learn it is commercial free thanks to Nissan Shift, the official car of Lance Armstrong and team Radio Shack. Lest we forget, a Nissan badge is shown permanently in top left hand corner of the screen during the commercial free period, so we are all grateful to ... which car company was it again? oh yes, Nissan, for this commercial free time. I mean what kind of a creative mind had the idea of the commercial sponsoring of a commercial free period on TV. Instead of having a 30-second advert you have 30 minute advert. Just brilliant!

Let us not forget either that every cyclist’s bum (or ‘ass’ for our American friends) is plastered with ads for their team sponsor, and cyclists' bums are often focused on by the cameramen riding behind or beside them on the back of motorbikes, so they don’t act as wind shields. If what I have just described makes you think that the rest of the cyclist’s tightly lycra-clad body is free of ads, then think again. Think thighs, shoulders, chest, back, helmet, gloves, shoes and bike frame as targets for every conceivable angle of shot producer and cameramen can muster. Nor do they ignore the roadside signs for companies such as Brandt (who gives a daily prize for the most combative rider) or Digital, or the blow-up Vittel signs spanning the road telling riders and viewers how many kilometres (kilometers?) to go (1 km = five-eighths of a mile, for our American readers).

As I watch today, the fate of this year’s Tour can be decided: the two leading riders in the overall standings are only 8 seconds apart after 17 days of racing, and today’s stage will end with a nine percent climb ten miles (eighteen kilometres for our European readers) up a Pyrenean mountain. The young Luxemburger Andy Schleck is going head to head with the leader, last year’s winner from Spain Alberto Contador. Such is the digitisation of the Tour we are shown the heart rate of different riders - 156 bpm - and the wattage they produce - 500 watts for 8 kilometres, etc. I am sure that was sponsored by some wireless phone company but I had lost concentration in the commercial free period. They should wire themselves up to fog lights today, they going up the Tourmalet through low cloud.

“Remember today's commercial free period is brought to you by Nissan, the official car of the Tour de France.” Phil manages to announce this dead-pan every time. What a pro!

But Phil’s voice suddenly finds another octave: “And there goes Schleck with Contador sitting on his wheel” [a bit unfair that, you might feel], “which puts pressure on Armstrong who drops off the back.” Ouch! More and more Basque flags are waving the closer Contador gets to the Spanish frontier. Contador attacks having been towed up the mountain by Schleck. Schleck catches him and gives him a grim, black stare - if looks could kill! “Contador wants the stage win, yellow jerseys are supposed to win stages and he hasn't got one yet this year”, yells Phil, or was it Paul? All the spectators seem to be running beside and behind the two leaders, in the fog, threatening to knock them off. Individually each spectator usually manages about ten yards, or nine metres (meters), but the impression is of a whole crowd in pursuit, with occasionally ones in fancy dress or even naked. The commentators have been promising us sun at the top, but the fog or cloud just gets thicker. “They start the sprint side by side and ... Schleck gets it”. He punches the air with a rather powder-puff gesture. He wins the stage, but still lies second overall. “They have dug so deep into their souls [or did he mean ‘soles’] to get this victory today” – the founder of the Tour, Henri Desgrange, did after all describe road racing as depending on both Head and Legs. Nissan, Festina and Vittel adverts are prominent on the screen at the finish. “And here comes Armstrong four minutes ten seconds behind.” We see a little man in a dark blue suit and tie shaking Contador’s hand.

The commercial free period (thanks, Nissan) comes to an end and we go to ... a commercial break.

Then, interviews with a Canadian called Ryder (yes, really his first name) Hesjedal (yes, his accent proves he is really Canadian) who finished a very creditable fourth today – watch out for him next year, then with American Chris Horner, of Radio-Shack, who seems out of breath (well, wouldn't you be?). Then the podium, and Contador again pulls on the my-or jhorn, I think it must be Basque for yellow jersey. Schleck still remains eight seconds behind overall. Can he catch them up in the Bordeaux time-trial through the vineyards? Can Phil and Paul stay sober? Can we stay sober?

You have been reading a commercial-free text, sponsored by my wife, who wishes to remain anonymous.

Notes

1. Phil Liggett had some very kind words about our book on the Tour de France: http://www.frenchlinks.co.uk/tour/TDF.html.

2. Lance Armstrong, in partnership with Nike, developed the yellow LIVESTRONG wristband as a message of support for cancer-sufferers. He recovered from testicular cancer in the 1990s. See http://www.livestrong.org/ and http://www.livestrong.com/.

3. See the current sports-related Geico ad with baseball-pitching great Randy Johnson on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yenuvSUKugc.

See David I. Pankin details at http://www.lawpank.com/CM/Custom/Attorneys.asp.

Coda

Team Radio Shack did win the team prize. The final day's coverage - Lance's last ever day in the Tour apparently - concentrated on Livestrong, including the team's foiled attempt to wear new black jerseys promoting Livestrong. They managed to wear them on the podium for the presentation of the prize, if not in the race itself.